ralphharley

I thought all birds had flew south where it's warmer, must be the warm day we have been having but I saw a few "Mile or More" birds flying around yesterday !

An old grey beard biker with leathered wrinkled face from many year of riding in the wind, faded out jeans & worn down boots rode his panhead up to an ice cream parlor & painfully got off his bike, hobbled painfully inside, sat on a stool & ordered a banana split, the waitress took his order & asked, "crushed nuts? No he replied, Damn hemorrhoids!

This is a little long, but might be worth the time to read .. lol
One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
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After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”......

President Trump has a pair & he's just like a sore pecker or sore vagina, you don't F--k with either one!

Damn rain predicted here for the next 3 days, damn it !

I had a little mule once that I named "Congressman", I fed him horse & mule feed & oats, I'd put horse & mule feed in his trough then ask him if he wanted some oats. He'd raise his tail & say a-feeew, he talked thru his ass too & so I named him "Congressman"!

Watching President Trump on t.v a couple nights ago I could have sworn that I heard his balls clank together! He has a pair!

I used to be f---ing stupid but I divorced her 20 years ago!

Did you know that it is only 2 places in the world that you can get good ham?

Hi ralph this is Sherry , I just log on to the site .. I was hoping to hear from you through your email .. this is my photo .. I am the one who wrote you and told me to log on here ..

Santa Claus doesn't have any kids of his own because he has a candy cane, popcorn balls & comes down the chimney once a year!

Two men rooming together had a night stand between their beds, one had a glass eye & would put it in a glass of water on the stand at night. The other out late drinking one night woke up thirsty, drank the water & swallowed the eye. He was constipated the next day & went to a proctologist. Doc had him drop his pants & bend over, took a look & said he'd looked at a many assholes in his time but it was the first time one has looked back at him !

I stopped by a friends a couple days age, Pete was in the back yard admiring his new bull. He has about 25 cows or so & told me that his bull had already serviced 6 cows that morning & he'd have a lot of calves it time. Now I realize where & why Internal Revenue got the word service,& use it !

Last week a lady biker friend of mine was pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit by a city cop. He got out of his cage where she just sit on her bike & ask, Do you know why I stopped you? She replied, Yes, you want to sell me some tickets to the City Policeman Christmas Ball ! He replied, City Policeman doesn't have balls, she just sat there, looked at him & smiled, he closed his ticket book, tipped his hat & said, good afternoon ma'am, ride safe & hold it to the speed limit, got in his cage & left!

Here's the season to get your jollies or is it too be jolly, well if you get your jollies, it does make you jolly or if you're jolly you can get jollier so Merry Christmas & get your jollies!

is a fan of Innuendo.

The telemarketer's will drive you buggy, a lady called & began telling me about an insurance policy, blab blab blab. Told her to come over to my place, we'll get naked & talk about it, she hung up & I don't think I'll be bothered by her anymore.

Oh jingle bells, shotgun shells, rabbits all the way, oh what fun it is too ride in grandma's model a, dashing thru the snow in grandma's model a, over the hills we go laughing all the way, bells on bobtails ring making furious pride, oh what fun it is too ride with grandma by your side. Jingle bells, shotgun shells, rabbits all the way, oh what fun it is too ride in grandma's model a.

Scammer's are getting into it big time, just got a call that I've won $5,000,000.00, all I have to do is go to Walmart or Walgreen's & buy a certain kind of I.D card for $400.00 & have it when my check is delivered! Yeah, they'll get the $400 & I'd get shafted,but no thank you, here hee! I told him when my check got here we'd all go & get the card & I'd have a couple policemen with me, was told it didn't work that way, hee hee!