WE ALL NEED A LAUGH

Attending

Invited

Menopause Jewelry My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

Sensitivity Test for Men 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing. C. Taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five Tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem; she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron. 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. I hope we can still be friends. B. I'm not in right now; please leave a message at the beep. C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU. 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. ================== Evaluating Results: If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!

Sensitivity Test for Men 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing. C. Taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five Tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem; she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron. 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. I hope we can still be friends. B. I'm not in right now; please leave a message at the beep. C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU. 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. ================== Evaluating Results: If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ' Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses.... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR F UCKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKIN' BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?" The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

Going Down French Style!--> Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Oct 28, 09 at 09:00am Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Three witches are in the shower naked. A ghost appears, flashes his penis and says, "Hocus Pocus". The witches say "Fuck hocus, JUST POCUS!"

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. '

The World's Best & True Story! Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy 'Will you marry me?' The guy said, 'NO!' And the he lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went fishing, hunting, played golf a lot, drank beer, left the toilet seat up and had sex whenever he wanted to. THE END

The Wedding Fairy A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

BRITISH HUMOUR The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! this American should be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Mexican Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy..' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him Looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says: Turner Brown! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!

Husband comes home to find his wife naked standing on her head with her legs spread ... he asks "Honey what are you doing?" ... she replies "since you can't get it up will you drop it in"

MY PRIVATE PART DIED An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this ..) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

How I learned to mind my own business: > I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, > And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' > The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a > Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see > What was going on..... > Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick! > Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Job Interview in Texas A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. " "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Tequila Cookies 1 cup of dark brown sugar 1 cup (2 sticks) butter 1 cup of granulated sugar 4 large eggs 2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp salt 1 tsp fresh lemon juice 1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired) Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

LETTER FROM MOM Dearest Redneck Daughter, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom Sent to me by my friend Bill

Divorce Letter Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! --------------- ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been... I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem....

lmfao

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

absolutely wonderful page!!! Thanks all, I really needed this today! But I'm terrible at jokes....soooooo, I'll just laugh at yours! xoxo

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BARTENDER AND A STAGECOACH DRIVER????? THE STAGECOACH DRIVER ONLY HAS TO LOOK AT 4 ASSHOLES

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BARTENDER AND A STAGECOACH DRIVER????? THE STAGECOACH DRIVER ONLY HAS TO LOOK AT 4 ASSHOLES

911, can I help you? Hello! Help! "Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!" "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

Jim so cool I love it

A biker rolls into a saloon in the middle of nowhere, the sign over the bar read's: Cold Beer $2.00 Hamburger $2.50 Cheeseburger $3.00 Hand Job $50.00 The biker see's the super hot bar tender and ask are you the one that gives the hand jobs? The bar tender say's with a knowing smile, "Why yes yes I am" the biker lean's over and whispers into her ear and say's "Then go wash your hand's cuz I want a fucking cheeseburger"

I forgot to add....I'm probably going to hell for this but....

I'm glad they found the balloon boy on the ground. I thought Michael Jackson was in heaven ordering take-out.

NEVER CHEAT ON A West Virginia WOMAN ! A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hooha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?' The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said........ 'Nope.. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire.. You do whatever you want!

I couldn't agree more!! Smile people.. laugh alot!

Wow! This couldn't of have been better timing! Thanks M.T. Pockets!

WHY DID LIBERACE PLAY THE PIANO? BECAUSE HE SUCKED ON THE ORGAN

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Got room for a true story? I was stationed on my first submarine. We had liberty call in Perth Australia. One of my shipmates went out and way to much fun and fell asleep or passed out on the deck. he felt a bit uneasy and had to puke so he grabbed the first thing he could find in the dark, a shoe and not his. The guy it belonged to didn't realize this until he put it on!

I need to talk to you about some stuff that just went down... It's about you . but my battery on my phone is almost dead , so call me at this number okay hurry I wont be here too long okay 413-497-0025 thx

How is sex like paintball? You play for 30 minutes, get hot and sweaty, and when it's over, you're glad you're not the one who got shot in the face.

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: April 27, 2009 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A Guy and his Horse A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, only this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

Shipwrecked A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. I didn't see this one coming------------------- So, they buried Susie.

Baby Airplanes The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) Turned to his mother and asked , 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big Cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes? ' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight Attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I Saw you talking with your mom - Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes she did. ' Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby Airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "whats the hold up?" The man says "Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary clinton,Opra Winfrey, Rosie, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going car to car taking up a collection." The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?" The man replies "About a gallon."

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with My friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a Bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet So we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was Wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He Said he wasn't upset, that it h ad nothing to do with me, and not to Wo rry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled Slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he Didn't say, 'I love you, too.'When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him Completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat There quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 Minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my Caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his Thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

OMG I WAS READY TO END IT ALL LAST NIGHT...SO I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY ONE MORE TIME TO REACH OUT FOR HELP!! I CALLED THE LIFELINE SUPPORT # LISTED. SHE ANSWERED..HARD TO UNDERSTAND HER..OBVIOUSLY NOT AMERICAN..BUT ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TALK..REACH OUT..SO I DID. TOLD HER I WAS SOOOOOO READY TO KILL MYSELF. HER RESPONSE INHER VERY BOKEN ENGLISH WAS.."BUT..CAN YOU FLY A PLANE"?????????

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

THATS WAS HILARIOUS PROMISE REAPER...ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.

Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. Tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. ]Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in. Your loving daughter, Alice

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat. The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Vito answered, "No He minded his own fucking business.."

A Family Tradition: I had long heard the stories of our amazing family tradition. It seems that my father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when my 21st birthday came a round, me and my pal Tim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, I stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Tim just barely managed to pull me to safety. Furious and confused, I went to see my grandmother. 'Grandma,' I asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?' Granny looked deeply into my troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in May, you dumbass!

I went to my Dentist to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give me a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' I said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and I objected. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the Gas mask on is suffocating me!' The Dentist then asks me if I have any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' I said. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.' I said, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'

A circus owner is running an ad for a lion tamer so? my wife Fancy and I show up. I'm fairly good looking, in my late 40's and she is a gorgeous blonde in her early-40's. The circus owner tells us, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" Fancy says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to me and asks, "Can you top that?" I replied, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

When girls don't put out!! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Two condoms are walking in front of a gay bar. One looks at the other on and says, "what do you say we go in here and get shitfaced".

Guys, I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my girl has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. Lately she has started going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with her I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my bike so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. ' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed a hairline crack where the pipes goes into the manifold So what do you think Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the shop where I bought it?

A duded-up city rider Walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl. The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD !! WELL..................! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . "YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK? "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY HAIRED, DECREPIT, WART HOG...... ASKED 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven?? 1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the ma n to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.' The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion .' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.' The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!' Oh, Thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Weight Loss Program A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week.

Outsmart a woman......Are you kidding..... A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend?” And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the lo ng weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.' He said, 'but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?' You'll love the answer. X X X X X X X The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box.” Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?' 'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

When you want to smile come on this site and there is no problem in making that frown turn upside down. All the worrys go away too. Keep bringing Them PEOPLE!!

How Fights Start....... One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ==================================================== I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started..... ==================================================== My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.... ====================================================== I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started...... ======================================================== I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first... 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started..... ========================================================= My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ====================================================================== My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ==================================================================== My wife and I were sitting at a t able at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... =========================================================== I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... ============================================================================ SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST?.. THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, You might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear." The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items, one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt and the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle

Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer. One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates. A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem. "Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?" Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway." Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail: Dearest Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle. Love always, Mike Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother: Dearest Michael, I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now. Love, Mother

Dear TIDE , I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, I gotta go - I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

excitable ethel is riding down the halls of the nursing home where she lives in her wheel chair. the first orderly she goes by says " ethel! do you have a licence for that ride?' she pulls out a kit kat wrapper, and he says "ok girl.. proceed". she tools down the halls and runs into the nest orderly, and he asks "ethel, do you have insurance for that ride?". she pulls out a 3 musketeers wrapper. he says, "OK> go ahead.". so as she turns the corner, she runs into another resident, who by the way, has on no underwear, and has a massive hard-on. .. and a great big smile on his face, as he is stroking it ever so slowly. ethel goes.."oh shit! not another breathlyizer!!!"

'Holy Prostitutes' A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes bac k upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Knowing When To Quit A Louisiana guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, he can help you." So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!" So, he went to the swamp and found a frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?" "No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?" And the frog said,"How many time do I have to tell you . . . NO! NO!NO!"

Catholic coffee Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Knowing When To Quit--A Louisiana guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, he can help you."So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!" So, he went to the swamp and found a frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?""No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?" And the frog said,"How many time do I have to tell you . . . NO! NO!NO!"

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled, and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.' Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.' If you're one of those 56 million, pass this on!!!

A lady goes into a bar and tells the bartender "give me one of those mar tiny's with an onion in it" the bartender tells her they're martinis and they have olives in them not onions, she says yeah give me one. 15min. later the lady says hey bartender give me another one of those mar tinys with an onion in it. the bartender tells her those aren't mar tinys they're martinis and those aint onions they're olives. She says yeah give me one. After two hours of this and 10 drinks later the lady is sloppy drunk and says bartender give me oooonnne moooore maarr tiny but leave the onion out this time because i got heart burn from them. The bartender says, for the last time lady they're not mar tiny's they're martinis and they're not onions they're olives and you don't have heartburn you've got your tit in the ash tray!!!

One Star Hangover (*) No pain, no real feelings of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason you are craving a Hoagie and steak fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look ok but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3am Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache, stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a woman walks by you gag on her perfume that reminds you of the flavored schnapps your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Judge Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a Coke – yet you haven’t peed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or you might puke. Your boss has already yelled at you for being late and has given you the lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face, (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding in a bumper car). Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is a perpetual spasm and the first of about 5 craps you take during the day makes anyone that enters after you wretch in disgust. Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a 2nd heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the co-worker sitting in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste curst in the corners of your mouth from brushing you teeth in an attempt to get out the remnants of the Poop Fairy. Your body has totally lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare “floater” thrown in. The sole purpose of this “floater” seems to be to splash toilet water on your ass. Death sounds pretty good right now as you lay on the floor of the stall of the bathroom.

Words of wit from Larry the Cable Guy>>>Larry's Proverbs -------Original Message------- 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

OMG that is just wrong ,.. funny as hell but wrong..good one cutiefu34

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Hey, sorry that I keep calling you and hanging up. My phone is voice activated and every time I say "dumb ass" it calls you.

Great site... So funny..

but Jack got a shockand a mouth ful of c#$k ...cause Jills real name was RANDY!!!

Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick some candy

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' And, How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

SENILITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia .. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference. Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Congress and the President, think thier shit don't stink,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but thier farts gives them away

To fart can be a pleasant thing It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter And suffocates the fleas, A fart can be quiet , Or a fart can be loud Some even leave a Powerful poisonous cloud. A fart can create A most curious medley, That sounds benign But may be quite deadly. Some farts may not smell While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while. A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairies, To a small elevator, A fart will find us all, Sooner or later. But that farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget there are Sweet old farts like you ! Kinda brings a tear to your eye... doesn't it ? A burp is just a gust of wind That comes up from near the heart, If it had taken the downward path It would have been a fart ! Then , there was this old cowboy poet That I knew, once upon a time, That claimed, after eating beans, He could make , two farts rhyme. BAD BOY

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly. 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I've outlived the bitches.'

KINDA OLD ONE...BUT POSTED IN HONOR OF MY GUY MR. THUNDER............THOR (GOD OF THUNDER) CAME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOP IN SEARCH OF A BEAUTIFUL MAIDEN TO MAKE LOVE TO......HE FOUND HER..LITTLE DID HE PLAN TO FALL IN LOVE AND STAY WITH HER FOR DAYS ON END...THEY MADE WILD AND PASSIONATE LOVE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN...HE WENT BACK HOME CONTIMPLATING WHETHER OR NOT TO TELL HER HE WAS "THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER"..BUT FELT HE WOULD SINCE HE KNEW SHE ALREADY LOVED HIM SIMPLY FOR HIM. HE RETURNED TO HER AND SAID "I HAVE SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU....I AM THOR" AND LOOKING LOVINGLY AT HIM WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE...SHE WHISPERED IN HIS EAR "IT IS O.K. DARLING, I AM VERY THOR TOO" BA DA BOOM

Telling Husband you're going out for the night with the 'Girls'...  $0.00 Red Leather Jacket for night out with the 'Girls'...  $200.00 Car wash and Wax...  $20.00 Getting  a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the 'Girls'.  $150.00 Having your husband open the mailed radar photo citation and seeing you with another man's dick in your hand...PRICELESS!!!!

what do pussy and cigarettes have in common? The taste changes the closer you get to the butt!

Defintion of a "Virgin" in the Hillbilly dictionary... A girl that can still out run her brothers.

Bubba was having a BBQ and caught his house on fire. He runs inside and calls the fire department as fast as he can. The operator asks for his address and Bubba tells them it's 3456 sycamore rd. The operator asks him how to get there? and Bubba says"don't they let ya'll drive them big red trucks anymore?".

Bubba was clean'n his shot gun and accidentally shot Mary Lou. He called 911 and told them that he done shot Mary Lou and needed help. They asked him where he lived and he told them that they lived at 3456 Sycamore rd. The 911 operater asked him if he could spell out the address for her. The line went silent for awhile and Bubba finally said "how bout I drag her over to Oak st. and ya'll pick her up there".

Bubba got married to Mary Lou and on their wedding night Mary Lou pulled off her clothes and said "i'm all yours and still a virgin" Bubba jumped up out of bed and ran home as fast as he could. His Pa seen him and asked what he was doing there on his wedding night. Bubba told him that Mary lou said she was a virgin and he left as soon as he heard that because he didn't know what to do. His pa told him he did the right thing because any girl that ain't good enough for her own family ain't good enough for him!!!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.' MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LAUGH, YOU NEED HELP! A mother took her five-year-old son with her To the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a Business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' The mother bent down and whispered in The little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread His hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, And told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a Beep, beep, beep The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

http://WWW.birthverse.Com/mybirthverse.cfm

HIS AND HER DIARYS HER DIARY Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I 'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY My motorcycle wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Gotta do it... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oz8-kmW5QU

What does a Wrench and Winch have in common...."You can turn both over and over and over..."

I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans. I told them to F**ck off!! Anyone who can fit into MY clothes is not starving!!

*A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky *clouded above his head...* *In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me * *in all ways, I will grant you one wish."* * * *The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over * *anytime I want."* * * *The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges * *for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the *Pacific and the**concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is* *hard for me to justify your desire for worldly* *things.* *Take a little more time and think of something that could* *possibly help mankind."* * * *The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish * *that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels * *inside, what she's* *thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I * *can make a woman truly happy."* * * *The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"* * *

Life is like a bowl of cherries, just didn't know there would be so many pits along the way...

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before – rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.” The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. "I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash." He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.' FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .' SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

Two bikers are drinkin in a bar when a hot chick walks by wearin short shorts..One biker sez to the other "those are my kinda legs". The other biker asks "whats that"? The biker answers "feet on one end..... pussy on the other"

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing," asks the startled Marie? "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" When things heat up Marie asks, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing," asks the bewildered Marie? "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Things steam up further. Marie whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off Marie's panties, pours Cognac in her lap, and lights it on fire. PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING," Marie screams furiously? "I am Pierre the fighter pilot -- when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Okay I have a corney one.No offense to the guys..Here it is.. What is a name for a senior citizens cereal??? Nuttin' raisin' honey.

Happily Married Biker Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Biker Meets Viagra Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places. Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on your dick while it's in that condition?" Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

Men from Maine.... It was efus, and effies anniversy, and effie wants to do something special. So she goes to "Fredricks Of Maine" and buys a pair of white lace crotchless panties!!! she goes home gets herself all purdyed up and when efus comes home he yells " Effie where are you"? and Effie replys "I'm in the bedroom". So efus goes to the bedroom, and when he opends the door there is Effie laying on the bed with her hands behind her head and her legs wide open, and she says " well hello efus would you like some of this"? Efus looks at her and replys " not after I seen what it's done to your underwear I don't!!!!!

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!" the Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuck dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

My kind of woman..... > Awesome Senior > > Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent > inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a D.C. > airport. There were protesters on the train platform handing out > pamphlets, on the evils of America ... I politely declined to take one. > > The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young > (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely > declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder > as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, > "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?" > > The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France > during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam. > > All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and > badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up > your ass and open it." > > ~God Bless America ~

Why did the Traveling Salesman have to change hotels? Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy. Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?" "That sounds fantastic sir," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. "I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash." He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

A Harley rider, a Honda rider and a Suzuki rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Harley rider said, "Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!" The Honda rider said, "Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The Suzuki rider said, "Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!" The next day the Harley rider opened his bucket, had chicken, and jumped. The Honda rider had bologna and jumped. The Suzuki rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Harley widow said, "If I had only known I would not have packed chicken". The Honda widow said the same about bologna. The Suzuki widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch!"

Tampons ~ A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks "Where are your tampons?" The clerk goes, "Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left." Biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, "You know, I know it's none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons." Biker goes, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God that fucking bitch can roll her own too."

Happily Married Biker Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A penis is like fishing. Women throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones, and mount the large ones!

What do you call an empty Budweiser bottle with 15 bumble bees inside? A Redneck Vibrator

This rabbi had a friend who was a catholic priest. One day he went to visit his friend at the church. They talked awhile then the priest told his fiend he had to cut the visit short because he had confession. "I've never seenthat done before. Can I sit in with you?" he asked. The priest thought about it then said "You're a man of God as I so I guess it would be ok just remember to be quiet." So off they went for confession. A man came in sat down,"Bless me Father for i have sinned." "Bless you my child what have you done." "Father i have committed adultry three times." "Well say three our Fathers and but $10 un the poor box." Another man comes in and the same ting occurs he confesses to adultry 3 times is told to say three Our Fathers and put &10 dollars in the poor box. Then there was a knock on te confessional,"Farther Murphy Mrs. O'Connor says it is an emergency and refuss to talk to any one but you." He looks at his rabbi friend "Do you think you can do this?" "Certainly go on and take care of the poor woman." The rabbi sits there then a man comes in "Bless me Father for I have sinned." "Bless you my child what have you done?" "I have committed adultry." "Was it three times?" "No father just twice." "Are you sure?" "Yes father I am sure.""Well go out and do it once more they have a special three for $10."

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell..' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way And you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star. * Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

My son told me this one when he was about 5...Why did the turtle cross the road?? to get to the Shell Station!

Neighbor has Marijuana -- 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Then, I kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!' St. Peter was very impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Oh, Just a couple of minutes ago….....

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Old Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

THE LIFE SAVER TEST A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of (taste) on first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red........................Cherry Yellow...................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange................Orange Fina ll y the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes !!!!

WITH ALL THE THINGS GOIN ON IN THIS WORLD JUST THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO LEAVE A JOKE ..TAKE A JOKE ,,,,,BUT MOST OF ALL SMILE... HAVE FUN,,,,LAUGH,,,,B SAFE

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME.. THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.." THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA.. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"

9/20/2009 11:24:43 PM I just received a phone call from a hospital in Albuquerque New Mexico.... for any of you that know zzzorra a nurse called and read from a notepad that zzzorra was writing from.... she is in the Prespertarian (sp?) hospital in Albuquerque... she has been there apparently two weeks they were trying to set up a trach on her and some how they did a biopsy and she has throat cancer.. I am in Norman, Oklahoma and can't get back for a week or so... if anyone knows her please go by and check on her!!! Please start a prayer chain for her... Sherrie aka ladyhawk and biker brat

Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.'

Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Poor Box A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

My trip to the strip club... Last night, my biker buddies and I went to the local Strip Club and were getting kinda drunk. One of the guys wanted to try impress the the hottest stripper at the club, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the dancer came over to us,my buddy licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her ass cheek! Not to be outdone, another buddy pulls out a $20 bill. He called the stripper back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other ass cheek. In another attempt to top the rest of us, my third buddy pulls out a $50 bill and calls the stripper over, licks the $50 bill and smacks it on her ass. Seeing the way things are going, the stripper eagerly races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, all the guys are laughing and the stripper is egging me on to try to top the $50 bill. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do....SHIT, this was going to cost me $100.....then the asshole in me took over... So I got out my ATM card...swiped it down the crack of her ass...grabbed the eighty bucks, got up, walked outside, got on my bike AND LEFT !!!!!

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so. She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you." He replies "BREASTS."

After being prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to Fuck You,don't resist,don't complain,do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kühe und die Schweine haben Scheiße in ihr!” Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!" The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim; I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER > This one is a little different... Two Different Versions! > Two Different Morals! > OLD VERSION: > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, > building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. > > The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and > dances and plays the summer away > > Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. > > The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the > cold. > > > MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! > > > > > MODERN VERSION: > > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, > building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. > > > The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and > dances and plays the summer away > > Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press > conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be > warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. > > > CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of > the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home > with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp > contrast. > > > How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor > grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? > > > Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and > everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' > > > Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's > house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall > overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the > grasshopper's sake. > > > Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry > King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and > both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his > fair share. > > > Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & > Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. > > > The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number > of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, > his home is confiscated by the government. > > > The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the > last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which > just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he > doesn't maintain it. > > > The ant has disappeared in the snow. > > > The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and > the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who > terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood. > > > > MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010. >

TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Always room to laugh and smile.. what would we do with out it.. Be damn grouches that's what!

lmmmfaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SheRidesHerOwn........... !!!! Pricelessss :)

man: Hi! My name is Wanda . 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia . How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death.. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. PRICELESS

This message is brought to you by "THE SPANKSTER" A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. A smiling Wal-Mart Greeter named Spanky says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied The Spankster. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." Have a good day. Gotta run to Wal-Mart

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation, that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" here is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*** him."

Headache all gone A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' ' I do not have a headache ' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ' Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'l be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' 'She's not my wife ' . 'She's not my wife ' His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

HAHAHAHA I Like That SheRidesHerOwn!! Thanks needed to laugh!!

A man looks in the mirror and says to his wife...why do I always get a hard on when I look in the mirror at myself? The wife says...Because even your dick thinks your a pussy.....

The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red.....................Cherry Yellow................Lemon Green..................Lime Orange ...............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes! The teacher had to leave the room! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bumper stickers seen on Marine Corps Base "U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club" " Water-boarding is out so kill them all!" "Interrogators can't water board dead guys" " U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah" "Stop Global Whining" "When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine" Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify. "The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight" "Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back" "Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!" "What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A little Recoil" "Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"* "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" "Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon" "It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting" "Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl" "One Shot, Twelve Kills -- USN Gun Fire Support" "Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?" "My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college" "Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume" "A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers" "If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran" "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.* "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." - Ronald Reagan

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.' 'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.' ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.' ** *POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says.... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.' ***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. A Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

A T-SHIRT...... A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Question and Answer format: Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the Money will go to China. * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to The Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. * If you buy a car, it will go to Japan. * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it Will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1 Spending it at yard sales, or 2 Going to ball games, or 3 Spending it on prostitutes, or 4 Beer or 5 tattoos.. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.) Now, I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute That I met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!

Biker Chick Blow job Etiquette 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

> Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. > Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten > over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. > > Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they > stopped in the cemetery. > > One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take > off her panties and use them. > > Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties > and did not want to ruin them. > > She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a > wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. > > After the girls did their business, they headed home. > > The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that > his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so > he phoned the other husband and said: "These girls nights have got > to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with > no panties!!" > > "That's nothing," said the other husband. > "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... > > 'From all of us at the Fire Station ... We'll never forget you.' " > >

Duct tape Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff." So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such a dumb-ass, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous BITCH, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

NEVER CHEAT ON A SOUTHERN WOMAN ! A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?' 'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' ( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

An Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The Mountie says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The "violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks: "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?" Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir." Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?" Officer: "Yes Sir? Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?" Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!

Subject: Fwd: TRUE STORY > ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF > THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR > MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE > FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. > HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR > MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD > BY MILLIONS. > BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK, > "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.. > HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN spACE PROGRAMS. > OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN > TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA WHILE > ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE > 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME > HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, > WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY > SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. > "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" > > > > TRUE STORY.

> Did You Know ... > > That the words race car spelled backward says race car. > > That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and > move it to the last it spells it's past tense: ate. > > And > > Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" > and add just a few more letters it spells out: > > "Fuck off and go home you free-loading benefit grabbing kid producing > violent non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced > sandal wearing bomb making goat fucking smelly rag head bastards > with you." > > How weird is that?

HUSBAND DOWN A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.. "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price." On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down"

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"

DON'T FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY! Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America !

What ya call being a wench on a midget pirate ship? Havin a litle captain in ya!

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds " Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

REDNECK GAS STATION There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying Free Sex with Fill-up.” Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”. Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”. As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”. The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.” Guy drinkin' at the gas station

Probably have seen this one a few times now, but just in case it has missed anyone..Here ya go again! At first I thought this was funny.....Then I realized the awful truth of it. Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule. Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway! Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think. Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries Tax his tears. Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax him fast! Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough. When he screams and hollers, Then tax him more, Tax him till He's good and sore. Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb, Taxes drove me to my doom When he's gone, Do not relax, It's time to apply The inheritance tax. Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Gross Receipts Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Personal Property Tax Privilege Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax Road Usage Tax Service Charge Tax Social Security Tax Sales Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Use Tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom could stay home to raise the kids. What in the world happened? Can you spell "politicians?" And I still have to press 1 for English!?!?!?!? I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times and makes people think along the way. Put your VOTE down for NO More TAXES!! GO AHEAD and pass this on for all the AMERICAN's that made this country so great without the above mentioned taxes!

Her Diary.... His Diary HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: Harley wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

Posted to Craig's List / Personals: > > > > To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. > > Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 A M EST. I was the guy wearing the black > > Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you > > pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lifes. You > > also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope > > that you somehow come across this rather important message. > > > > First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect > > you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you > > took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the > > jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber > > Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a > > shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it > > is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it! > > I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from > > with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse > > walking bare footed since I made you leave your your shoes, cellphone, > > and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to > > your buddies to come help mug us again]. > > > > After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your > > cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went > > and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas > > station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 > > gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless > > guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your > > wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big > > pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the > > windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the > > car. > > > > Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma > > Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a > > little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I > > managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and > > one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible > > target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat > > (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should > > apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution > > is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish > > you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate > > pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to > > reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to > > pursue in life. > > Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! > > > > Thoughtfully yours, > > Alex > > P.S. Remember this motto...An armed society makes for a more civil > > society!

> Recently, in a > large French city, > a poster > featuring a young, thin and tan woman > appeared in the > window of a gym. It said: > > THIS SUMMER DO > YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE? > > A > middle aged woman, whose physical > characteristics > did > not match those of the woman on the > poster, > responded > publicly to the question posed by the > gym. > > > To > Whom It May Concern: > > Whales > are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, > curious humans).. > They > have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable > baby whales. > They > have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with > shrimp. > They > play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like > Patagonia, > the > Bering Sea and the coral reefs of > Polynesia. > > Whales are > wonderful singers and have even recorded > CDs. > They > are incredible creatures and virtually have no > predators > other > than humans. They are loved, protected > and > admired by almost everyone in the world. > > Mermaids > don't exist. If they did exist, > they > would be lining up outside the offices > of > Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity > crisis. > Fish > or human? > > They > don't have a sex life because they kill men who get > close > to > them not to mention how could they have > sex? > Therefore > they don't have kids either. Not to > mention > who > wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish > store? > > The > choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a > whale. > > P.S. > We are in an age when media puts into our heads the > idea > that > only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to > enjoy > an ice > cream with my kids, a good dinner with a > man > who > makes me shiver and a coffee with my > friends. > > With > time we gain weight because we accumulate so much > information > and > wisdom in our heads that when there is no more > room > it > distributes out to the rest of our > bodies. > So we > aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and > happy. > > Beginning > today, when I look at my butt in the > mirror > I will > think, Good gosh, look how smart I am!

after having sex a girl asks her boyfriend what are we going to call it? the boy says call what? she says the baby i'm going to have. he holds up a condom and says we'll call him hudini if he gets out of here!

After the young couple finished making love in the back seat, the young man said,"If I had known you were a virgin I would've took more time". She said,"If I'd of known you had more time I would've taken my panty hose off"!

Little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

don't know if you've seen this but it's pretty funny. everyone i've sent it to wants one

This is old but very funny!! This guy worked for Jack in the Box and was leaving a voice mail for his boss.. listen to it til the end, let me know what you think :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72z-0BVS7ms

THE FINAL BLOW JOB Message: A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."

How much for a hand job? One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida. He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replied "100 Bucks" The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money" So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?" She said "200 dollars" "200 dollars that's a lot of money" She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package." "1000 dollars' "1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money" So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

Little Johnny on 10.21.2008 Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?” Little Johnny: “None.” Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?” Little Johnny: “None.” Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?” Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.” Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think” Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?” Teacher: “Sure.” Little Johnny: “There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?” Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.” Little Johnny; “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??

The Ultimate Quote of the day . "Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

A woman walks into her doctor's office; scared of the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs...a green colored area has appeared on the inside of each. The color won't wash off, won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting larger each day. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back. He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots? "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks. "Yes--how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face . He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * *Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.* *Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.* * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.* * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.* * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.* * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.* * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.* * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.* * You cannot unsay a cruel word.* * Every path has a few puddles.* * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.* * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.* * Don't judge folks by their relatives.* * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.* * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.* * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.* * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.* * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.* * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.* * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.* * Always drink upstream from the herd.* * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.* * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.* * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.* * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.* *Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.* -- Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. some damn good advice!

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie

wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in > bed. > I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered. > I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this > time, simply saying "Yes." > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > And that's when the fight started.... > > > > I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" > It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. > "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. > So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" > And that's when the fight started.... > > > > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the > dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. > I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a > torrential downpour. > The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the > radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. > I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. > I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and > whispered, > 'The weather out there is terrible.' > My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is > out fishing in that?' > And then the fight started .... > > > > A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. > Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. > The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy > Crap’. > That must be my husband!' > So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He > smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as > fast as he could go. > A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at > the woman, 'I AM your husband!' > The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' > And then the fight started..... > > > > I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. > Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. > I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. > > And then the fight started.... > > > > A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. > She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel > horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. > I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' > And then the fight started..... > > > > I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order > first. > "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" > Nah, she can order for herself." > And then the fight started... > > > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, > and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at > a nearby table. > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking > right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been > sober since.' > 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating > that long?' > And then the fight started.. . > > > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social > Security. > The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my > age. > I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. > I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come > back later. > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my > curly silver hair. > She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' > and she processed my Social Security application. > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social > Security office. > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have g

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restroo ms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." MEN NEVER LISTEN

THE LIE DETECTOR John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha."The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Would you remarry? Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?' HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!' WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?' HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.' WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?' HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.' WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?' HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house .' WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?' HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?' WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?' HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.' WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?' HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.' WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?' HUSBAND: 'No... I'm sure she'd want her own.' WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?' HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.' WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?' HUSBAND: 'No... She's left-handed.' WIFE: - silence - HUSBAND: ' . . ... ." OOOPS "

7/27/2009 9:31:04 AM She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this Very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy,but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old... I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

SOUTHERN CHARM Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait In the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant Californiawoman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion For me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious!" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.. Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious!" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious!" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when You had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IDIOT SIGHTING: When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said, "Yep, I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!" STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE..........

Why bikes are better than Women... Bikes don't get pregnant. You can ride your Bike any time of the month. Bikes don't have parents. Bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong. Bikes don't care how many other Bikes you've ridden. When riding, you and your Bike can arrive at the same time. Bikes don't care how many other Bikes you have. Bikes don't care if you look at other Bikes. Bikes don't care if you look at Bike magazines. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bike" unless you go out to buy one yourself. If your Bike is too loose you can tighten it. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bike. If you say bad things to your Bike, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. You can ride your Bike as long as you want and it won't get sore. You can stop riding your Bike as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. Bikes don't get headaches. Bikes don't insult you if you're a bad rider. Your Bike never wants a night out with the other Bikes. Bikes don't care if you're late. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bike. If your Bike doesn't look good you can paint it or get new chrome parts. You can ride your Bike the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. The only protection you might have to wear when riding your Bike is a helmet. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bike. Like what you see. Buy Q-Ball A Beer Why bikes are better than Women... Bikes don't get pregnant. You can ride your Bike any time of the month. Bikes don't have parents. Bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong. Bikes don't care how many other Bikes you've ridden. When riding, you and your Bike can arrive at the same time. Bikes don't care how many other Bikes you have. Bikes don't care if you look at other Bikes. Bikes don't care if you look at Bike magazines. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bike" unless you go out to buy one yourself. If your Bike is too loose you can tighten it. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bike. If you say bad things to your Bike, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. You can ride your Bike as long as you want and it won't get sore. You can stop riding your Bike as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. Bikes don't get headaches. Bikes don't insult you if you're a bad rider. Your Bike never wants a night out with the other Bikes. Bikes don't care if you're late. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bike. If your Bike doesn't look good you can paint it or get new chrome parts. You can ride your Bike the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. The only protection you might have to wear when riding your Bike is a helmet. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bike.

Hey baby, wanna come over to myspace so i can twitter ur yahoo till u google all over my facebook? LMFAO Now that's funny

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night the husband says, "Washing machine." His Wife replies, "Not tonight darling, I have a sore head." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." This time the husband replies, "Too late, it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand".

First-year students at Auburn 's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," He told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said.. "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

First-year students at Auburn 's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," He told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said.. "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts. THE END

THE VIBRATOR - a woman is walking through her house, and notices a buzzing noise coming from behind a door. opening the door, she finds her daughter and a buzzing vibrator, and exclaims, "what on earth are you doing?" her daughter replies " mom, i'm 35 years old, and single, and it is looking like this is as close to a man as i'll ever get. just close the door and leave me alone." later, the father is walking through the house, and overhears the same buzzing from behind a door. opening the door, he finds his daughter enthusiastically employing the toy. he says, " what on earth are you doing?" she replies "dad, i'm 35 and single, and it looks like this is as close to a man as i'm ever going to get. just close the door and leave me alone!" later in the day, the mother is in the kitchen and is SURE that she hears buzzing coming from, of all places, the living room. she looks in, and sees her husband watching tv, and downing a beer. the buzzing is coming from a vibrator laying on the couch next to him. she asks "what the f**k are you doing?" he replies, "just what it looks like---i'm watching tv with my son-in-law!"

Theory Of Intelligence ~ 'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers..'

MY PRIVATE PART DIED An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this.) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale Ph.D. candidate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and offered: "Slowly 'cross the desert sand Trekk'd a lonely caravan Men on camels, two by two, Destination: Timbuktu." The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top that, they thought. However, the redneck calmly took his place on the stage and recited: "Me and Tim, a-huntin' went Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?" Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation." Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?" Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!" Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!" Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come down and talk to me."

Something simple and you can tell your kiddos, too -- How to Tell the Sex of a Fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

I Want To Join Your Club! The little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope... but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."

Oh Balls! lmao!

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..." Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me." "Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly. “Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say, I would like it infrequently.” The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, “Is that one word or two?”

I wonder if this family had Motorcycle Insurance? Talk About Your Really Bad Day

Wittle Wabbit A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

WaxOrNot Got this off of another biker site: For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This is by far one of the funniest things I have ever read. Hair Removal... (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A RIOT!) All hair removal methods have tricked wome n with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I' m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where i s the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few m

shep was licking his balls.Rust said he wish he could do that.Told him go head .But if he bites you do not yell at him!!!

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America ! It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor. 'Bejaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

This is a clean "story"... A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

The Vanilla pudding Robbery This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.' The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterli ng, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: ' IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'.... Send this to anyone you think needs a good laugh!!!

Chinese woman boiled man's head to cure daughter's psychiatric problems A Chinese woman boiled a man's head in a soup because she believed it would cure her daughter's psychiatric problems, a local newspaper reported on Tuesday. Published: 11:20PM BST 23 Jun 2009 Lin Zongxiu, from the southwestern province of Sichuan, heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter who had suffered from psychiatric problems for years, the Chengdu Commercial newspaper reported. Lin and her husband decided to enlist the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him, the paper claimed. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, and duck. A local court sentenced the murderer to death with a two-year reprieve on Monday, and Lin was convicted of helping to destroy evidence that included the culprit’s bloody clothes and shoes, the paper said. The murderer’s reprieve means that his sentence will likely be commuted to life in prison as long as he commits no further offences in the next two years.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. ... ... ... ... ... As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: ... ... ... ... ... COLD BEER: $2.00 ... ... ... ... ... HAMBURGER: $2.25 ... ... ... ... ... CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 ... ... ... ... ... CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 ... ... ... ... ... HAND JOB: $50.00 ... ... ... ... ... Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. ... ... ... ... ... She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. ... ... ... ... ... "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" ... ... ... ... ... The ole biker leans over the bar, ... ... ... ... ... "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, ... ... ... ... ... "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" ... ... ... ... ... She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Subject: FW: Virus Warning If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. ******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ******* And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone.

A blond heard that a milk bath would make her beautiful. So she left a note for the milk man to leave he 25 gallons of milk. The milkman read the note and felt there must be a mistake. He thought she meant 2.5 gallons. He rang the door bell to get clarification. The blond came to the door. The milkman said i found your note. Did you mean 2.5 gallons? The blond said..no i need 25 gallons. I am going to fill the tub with milk and take a bath in it. It will make me young and beautiful again. The milk man said "do you want it pasturized?" The blond said...No just up to my tits...i can splash it into my eyes.

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON ..."

CUCKOO CLOCK THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS INVITED OUT FOR A NIGHT WITH "THE GIRLS". I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT I WOULD BE HOME BY MIDNIGHT, "I PROMISE"! WELL, THE H0URS PASSED AND THE MARGARITAS WENT DOWN WAY TOO EASILY. AROUND 3 A.M., A BIT LOADED, I HEADED FOR HOME. JUST AS I GOT IN THE DOOR, THE CUCKOO CLOCK IN THE HALL STARTED UP AND CUCKOOED 3 TIMES. QUICKLY, RELIZING MY HUSBAND WOULD PROBABLY WAKE UP, I CUCKOOED ANOTHER 9 TIMES. I WAS REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR COMING UP WITH SUCH A QUICK- WITTED SOLUTION, IN ORDER TO ESCAPE A POSSIBLE CONFLICT WITH HIM. (EVEN WHEN TOTALLY MASHES...3 CUCKOOS PLUS 9 CUCKOOS TOTALS 12 CUCKOOS = MIDNITE!) THE NEXT MORNING MY HUSBAND ASKED ME WHAT TIME I GOT IN, AND I TOLD HIM "MIDNITE". HE DIDN;T SEEM PISSED OFF AT ALL. WHEW! GOT AWAY WITH THAT ONE! THEN HE SAID, "WE NEED A NEW CUCKOO CLOCK". WHEN I ASK HIM WHY, HE SAID, "WELL, LAST NITE OUR CLOCK CUCKOOED THREE TIMES, THEN SAID, "OH SHIT", CUCKOOED 4 MORE TIMES, CLEARED IT'S THROAT, CUCKOOED ANOTHER 3 TIMES, GIGGLED, CUCKOOED TWICE MORE, AND THEN TRIPPED OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND FARTED".

A mans girlfriend found his wedding ring in his pants pocket and when he was asleep she used vaseline and put it on his penis. Now you decide what is worse... A: Having your girlfriend find out you're married. B: Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got around your penis or C: Finding out your penis fits threw your wedding ring.

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions: Please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there!' The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and sternly says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE .. TIME!!!

The gray headed old farmer in Florida was out picking a few oranges one day when he heard a commotion coming from down on one of his water tanks. He sort of sneaked up to see what was going on and he saw about a half dozen coeds from U of M skinny dipping. Well he walked out into view and when he did the young ladies all sort of hunkered down in the water to cover up. The old farmer looked at them and said with a reasurring voice "Ladies please do not worry. I am not here trying to see you naked." With that he held up his bucket of oranges and said. "I'm just here to feed the alligators."

A rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism . And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

One ,Payday Mr.Goodbar wanted to Skor. So he took Miss Hershey's to a Symphoney and then to the Pot of Gold Motel on 5th Avenue to show her some Twix . He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almound Joy . It made her Tootsie Roll , and made him want to Eat More . He thought "This is !"Nut Rageous He let out a Snickers as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky WAY . She screamed 'Oh Henry', as she grabbed his Big Hunk and squeezed his M&M'S . Miss Hershey's said; 'Your are even better than the 3 Muskerteers'. To which Mr. Goodbar replied; 'When you're this big they call you Mr. Big .Take5 and will have some Whatchamacallit again'. Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a BabyRuth. Just a reminder to keep your candy in its wrapper unless you like the nuts that make up a Baby Ruth. Hope you liked that little Candy bar story!!!lmao...

GOTTA PEE Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on their Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought, she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. The girls then proceeded home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.. 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

Little Johnny meets Obama Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Obama if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy', so Obama asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered, 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an 'accident'.' A little girl raised her hand, 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a 'great loss'.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' said Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE ....... A point of view. Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands... From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms.Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "LAND MINES". Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go) Behind every man there is a smarter Woman!

Fathers day is to thank your dad for having sex with your mom!!! Mothers day is to thank your mom for not swallowing you!!

FRIENDS VS. BIKER FRIENDS ---------------- FRIENDS: Never ask for food. BIKER FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food. FRIENDS: Will say "hello". BIKER FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. BIKER FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad. FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BIKER FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. BIKER FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together. FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. BIKER FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours. FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. BIKER FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. BIKER FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. BIKER FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!". FRIENDS: Are for a while. BIKER FRIENDS: Are for life.

'Of course I won't laugh, said the > nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty > years I've never laughed at a patient.' > > 'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop > his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had > ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger > than a AAA battery. > > Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then > fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to > struggle to her feet and regain her composure. > > 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. > On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen > again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' > > 'It's swollen,' Fred replied. > > She ran out of the room.

LIL...GREAT jokes!

Q. What do you call a field of masturbating cows? A. BEEF STROKIN' OFF!

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA... Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage; a southern zoo has the description along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." - A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!

You guys are great. I Love You.. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A cowboy went hunting one day in South Dakota and bagged three pheasants. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like cowboys. The game warden ordered the cowboy to show his hunting license so the cowboy pulled out a valid South Dakota hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up the first pheasant, sniffed its butt, and said: 'This pheasant ain't from South Dakota . This is a North Dakota pheasant. You got a North Dakota huntin' license, boy?' The cowboy reached into his wallet and produced a North Dakota hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second pheasant, sniffed its butt and said: 'This ain't no North Dakota pheasant. This pheasant's from Nebraska . You got a Nebraska license?' The cowboy reached into his wallet and produced a Nebraska hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third pheasant, sniffed its butt, and said: 'This ain't no Nebraska pheasant. This here pheasant's from Wyoming .. You got a Wyoming huntin' license?' Again the cowboy reached into his wallet and brought out a Wyoming hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the cowboy, 'Boy, just where the hell are you from?' The cowboy turned around, dropped his pants, bent over and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'

Anger management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is John. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ..so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the ! first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?" "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car a! nd headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his titchy little nose. "Oh please, excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!" The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him. When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."

There were 3 girls in high school, they were all best friends and their moms were all best friends as well. One mom was blonde, one mom was brunette, and the other had black hair. So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I can't believe she smokes.'' The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle in my daughters trashcan I can't believe she drinks.'' Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my daughters bed, I can't believe she has a dick.''

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one fuckin' bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best fuck I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says................... "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. GROUND BEEF!

The Gunslinger and the Old Prospector-- An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gun slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to." The lessons from this story are: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old guys.

Economics Lesson It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

Q. What do you call a cow with three legs? A. Lean beef!

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when o ne is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and count ed to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY. There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat............ 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache 'I do not have a headache' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like neverbefore. His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful! The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back. He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and > > > saying. > > > 'She's not my wife ' > > > 'She's not my wife ' > > > 'She's not my wife ' > > > 'She's not my wife ' > > > His funeral service will be > > > held on Saturday >

An old man goes into the drugstore to buy some Viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets cut into quarters?" "I can cut them for you", said Dan the Pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection." "I am 96" said the old man, "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers"

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99 Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99 Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic:... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica. Titanic:.... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton :... Let's not go there. Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts. Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it. 'CASE DISMISSED!!'

The Lone Ranger's Last Request The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured By an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with A beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent And spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak To his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears Over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a Voluptuous brunette, more attractive Than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent And spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief Is again impressed.. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, And Silver is brought to The Lone Ranger's tent.. Once they're alone, The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says, Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ... "BRING POSSE"

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for his fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath'. The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN: (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park". (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day". (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error. (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming". (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN: (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!

911, can I help you? Hello! Help! "Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!" "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened, and, Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

Let's All Do This ....A Great idea!! In our current economic situation, every little thing we buy or do ... affects someone else and perhaps even their job. So, after reading this email, I think it is on the right track. Let's all do it!! "My grandson likes Hershey's candy. It is all marked made in Mexico now. I do not buy it any more. My favorite toothpaste Colgate is made in Mexico now, so I have switched to Crest....USA. You have to read the labels on everything. This past weekend I was in Kroger Grocery store. I needed 6 light bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets. I was in the light bulb aisle and right next to the GE brand that I usually buy, there was an off brand labeled, "Everyday Value." I picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except for the price. The GE bulbs cost more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the Everyday Value brand was Made in the USA by a company in Cleveland, Ohio! On to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets....you guessed it, Bounce cost more money and is made in Canada . The Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed exactly like the Bounce FreeI have been using for years and at almost half the price! So my challenge to you is to start Reading the labels when you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in t he USA - the job you save may be your own or your neighbors! If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time! Stop buying from China, Mexico, Venezuela ........... (We should have done this a decade ago......) Let's get with the program... HELP OUR FELLOW AMERICANS keep their jobs and create more jobs right here in the U.S.A. !!! God Bless America!! "

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther! Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in. The guide,holding a net,yelled,"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son,I'm a priest.Your language is uncalled for!" "No,Father,that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really?Well then,help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat,they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father,that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen" "Yes,it is a big Son of a Bitch.What should I do with it?" "Why,eat it!Of course.You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated,the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch,Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary,"Father!" "It's OK,Sister.That's what kind of fish it is,a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh,well then,what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch",she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish,the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner" "Sister!I'll clean it if you're so upset!Please watch your language!" "No,no,no,it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish." "Really?Well,in that case,I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit,everything was perfect..The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine,and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said,"This is great fish,where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!"proclaimed the proud priest. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!"exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added,"And I prepared the Son of a Bitch,using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"

whats in ur wallet, hywy to hell, enough is enough, who said so, where the hell have u been, two's company, three is fun, get her done.

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change:$20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total:$21.00....................... Oil Change instructions for men :..... 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.......... Money spent: Parts:$50.00 DUI:$2500.00 Impound fee:$75.00 Bail:$1500.00 Beer:$20.00 Total:$4,145.00.......... But you know the job was done right!

Things that girls can't do > > > > > 1. Know anything about a car except its color 2. Go 24 hours without > sending a text message 3. Throw 4. Run 5. Park 6. Fart 7. Read a > map 8. Resist Ikea 9. Sit still 10. Eat a kebab whilst walking 11. > Pee out of a train window 12. Argue without shouting 13. Understand > fruit machines 14. Walk past a shoe shop 15. Make a decent bacon > sandwich 16. Not comment on a stranger's clothes 17. Use small amounts > of toilet paper 18. Drink a pint gracefully 19. Get a round in 20. > Throw a punch 21. Do magic 22. Eat a really hot curry 23. Get to the > point 24. Buy plain envelopes 25. Take less than 20 minutes in the > toilet 26. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold" > 27. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates 28. Assemble furniture > 29. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb 30. Set a video recorder 31. > Watch a war film 32. Understand why flirting results in violence 33. > Spend a day by themselves 34. Go to the toilet by themselves 35. Buy a > purse that fits in their pocket 36. Choose a video quickly 37. Get > this far without having argued with at least 10 of the above.

5/30/2009 7:33:51 PM Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified... Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT….It just pops into your head. There's no warning.’ 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.’ A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’ Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.' BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now.

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there. When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice. The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:" 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 8.. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?". 26.. Always choose life. 27. Forgive everyone everything. 28. What other people think of you is none of your business. 29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. 30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 32. Believe in miracles. 33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 36. Your children get only one childhood. 37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 39. If we all threw our pr oblems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 41. The best is yet to come. 42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 43. Yield. 44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

BEFORE IT STARTS A biker came home from the road, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little confused, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little pissed, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The biker sighed. "Oh shit, it's started.

what's the difference between pink and purple?..........................................................................................................................................................................the grip

Just Say NO! A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back" "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!

Replying to The crusty 'ol biker and his lady were having a beer in the tavern, and she said, "Honey, do you remember the first time we did it?" "I sure do baby..........it was right out behind this bar up against the fence." "wanna do it again?" she tempted. "Let's go................" and with that they snuk out the back door. Unbeknownst to them, an off duty police officer had overheard the conversation, and noting that both of them were well into their 60's, he thought he'd have a look out back. The biker had removed his belt, and she had lifted up her skirt. Then, within seconds, they were making love so fast they were literally a blur. This went on for twenty minutes until they both collapsed in exhaustion. The office approached the man. "sir......I couldn't help but hear your conversation, and based on what I just witnessed from a man your age, I have to know.............what is your secret?" The biker slowly opened one and eye and said "last time we did this, that fence wasn't electrified............................."

DEAF WIFE? A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" (I just love this) Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Butt Prints in the Sand: One night I had a wondrous Dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. Then some stranger prints appeared And I asked the Lord, “What have we here”? Those prints are large, round and neat, “But Lord, they are too big for them to be feet!” “My child, “He said in somber tones, “For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait.” You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know. So I got tired and then fed up and There I dropped you on your butt.” “Because in life, there comes a time, When one must choose and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand.

BAD DIAGNOSIS One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up.

I was walking......... past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, 13....13..... 13.... The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting 14... 14..... 14...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am. "My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break; and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store. In town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk. Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of Grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.' 'How come, Grandma? I asked her. She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.' Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

5/21/2009 9:42:25 AM Little Johnny meets Barack Obama Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.' One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy. 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year. A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.

An Idaho rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Francesca Maria, pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

/15/2009 10:11:00 PM The Story of Ed Freeman You're a 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded, and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley , 11-14-1965, LZ X-ray, Vietnam . Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8 - 1, and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in. You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns, and you know you're not getting out. Your family is 1/2 way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never see them again. As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day. Then, over the machine gun noise, you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter, and you look up to see an un-armed Huey, but it doesn't seem real, because no Medi-Vac markings are on it. Ed Freeman is coming for you. He's not Medi-Vac, so it's not his job, but he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire, after the Medi-Vacs were ordered not to come. He's coming anyway. And he drops it in, and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 2 or 3 of you on board. Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire, to the Doctors and Nurses. And, he kept coming back.... 13 more times..... And took about 30 of you and your buddies out, who would never have gotten out. Medal of Honor Recipient, Ed Freeman, died last Wednesday at the age of 80, in Boise, ID ......May God rest his soul..... I bet you didn't hear about this hero's passing, but our media told us a whole bunch about some Hip-Hop coward beating the crap out of his "girlfriend". Medal of Honor Winner Ed Freeman! Shame on the American Media

I can tell from Teddy's joke the kid didn'y buy a Night Train!

BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story) For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years. It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.

thank you... here is you a little joke for the day This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

One winter morning an older husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say; "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow20today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc. And in this case a new Urologist for me. My family Doctor just recently referred me to a female urologist just out of medical school. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......

Continued I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Something they won't learn in school.

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich. That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well. Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I look over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner . . . lets face it ... . to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles) to add to the excitement. At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a li ttle bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...1 lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thunder cats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback " ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when The Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow Passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking Crisis?' And he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same Stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know shit?

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red...................Cherry Yellow...............Lemon Green................Lime Orange..............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're butt-holes!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!' 'The cop asked, 'What's he like?' The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

I LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: A COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger".

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you. 2 Men are like.. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th,=2 0twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. B.J. Titsengolf

My cousin called last night. Here she is..

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!) 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE ~ WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

My Shrink and Bartender. Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Shrink and told him? I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put your self in my hands for one year,' said the Shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did the bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!' SCREW THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

MARRIED LIFE - IT MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING ! A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ' Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses.... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR F UCKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKIN' BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants" The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

MARRIED LIFE - IT MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING ! A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ' Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses.... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR F UCKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKIN' BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

What Do People Fear Most Two magazines did surveys on 'WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST ...?' The results were interesting, to say the least.. Country Living magazine's (95.99% white readership) top three answers were: 1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S. 2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness. 3. Terminal illness/self. Ebony/Jet magazine's (99.99% black readership) top three answers were: 1. Ghosts 2. Dogs 3. Registered mail No Kidding!

Car Chase One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?" The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

What words does a woman hate to hear when making love. HONEY I"M HOME What words does a man hate to hear when making love. IS IT IN YET

Water and Wine To my friends who enjoys a glass of wine and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: " In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria." In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, gin, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health . Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I'm doing it as a public service.

Subject: Elderly Couple Engagement Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds " Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Morning Delight She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A DARN FINE EXPLANATION... The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!' And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!! And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Guts or Balls. There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves... The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all... "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if thing don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Now there's a question you don't get too often... A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust.. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

4/16/2009 6:36:49 PM A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, in America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless America '

The Ultimate Quote of the Day "Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Mr. Goldberg wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pileup on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently... but the fact is... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' Goldberg groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did... maybe even better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000.00 per inch.' Goldberg perks up at this!! 'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in five inches this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' He agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'So, have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says Mr. Goldberg. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' he says. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting granite countertops.'

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from School one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle Pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns To her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?" "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will Just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out... "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Yamaha instead of the Harley"! "YOU RIDE IT!"